Catch my drift?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
That’s just it. I find myself feeling like not many do.
I would be out of my damn mind to say that I’m the only person dealing with the things I deal with on a daily basis.
Drama at work: Why am I taking on so much when others do the bare minimum?
Drama with friends: Am I the only one concerned with keeping up with my closest friends? Does no one else care to keep the friendship going?
Drama with school: Yes I work a 40+ hour a week job, but I really want that damn degree already.
Drama with family: People are getting older, birthdays are passing, graduations, retirements, anniversaries….and I’m missing them all because I’m just not ready to move back. Am I being selfish?
Drama with the boyfriend: …Actually we don’t have drama with each other, which is really awesome. I just miss him. I can’t help but get a little down when I think of how long it will be before we can even hug each other.
All these thoughts start to weigh down on a girl. It can be exhausting. I’m not one to complain, but wow, when it rains, it pours.
It’s weird, in high school, I had lots of friends. Close friends, I thought. I held my friendships with very high regard. But then we all went our separate ways, and for a little while, I kept in touch with some, while others fell off the face of the earth. And I don’t mean that in a malicious way. Only that, people really took off running after graduation and never looked back.
I never really had a problem with being very lonely in those days. There were always people around to talk to and share my thoughts and feelings with. And I always made myself available if someone needed me to listen. In fact, that is a characteristic that many people have told me I posses: Being a good listener.
When some of my closest friends moved away from home, and I stayed local, it was a little hard. I did have a few friends that stayed home too, and I saw them often.
But then I made the decision to move, and I was so excited about it. I was going to be moving in with my cousin, who had lived in the city for 2 years already. I had visited her from time to time over the years and knew a few of her new friends as well. So I packed up all my crap and moved into a two bedroom apartment with 3 other girls, two of whom I had only met a few times before.
The first few months were difficult. Everything was new. Everyone had established friendships from school, and I was really the odd one out. It wasn’t that I was made to feel that way by anyone, it just sort of happened. Anyway, I did end up making one or two deep friendships, and it was nice. I also kept in touch, almost daily with a few of my friends from back home.
Over the last three years of living here, old friendships have faded and the fresher ones haven’t seemed to last very long. And I’m not saying I had nothing to do with it. And it’s not all negative. Life just happens, and people grow apart, and get busy. Myself included.
Now, moreso than before, that bit of lonliness is starting to sink in. I am constantly surrounded by people, every day, but I don’t feel like I can talk to any of them about the things I’m going through. Partly because I don’t really know if they would understand, or even care, but the other part of me doesn’t want to burden anyone.
I guess I’m just having a hard time expressing my feelings and connecting with anyone. I miss my old friends. I miss having long conversations with them about everything and nothing. I miss being around people who really know me. I miss being able to reminisce about the past with someone who was there for all of it. I miss having someone to talk to about what’s going on in my life right now.
But you know what? I am also really thankful to have someone to talk to about the future. Someone who I love and loves me back. I love sharing my hobbies and interests with someone, and learning all of his. It’s just a little difficult with over 8,000 miles and a 12 hour time difference between us.
So to sum it all up, I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my Monkey Butt, I miss my dog, and most of all, I miss having someone to talk to.
But I don’t want to end this on a negative note. I am really thankful for a stable job, a roof over my head, food in my belly and people who love me. That’s really all that matters, isn’t it? 🙂